katatia

People always see me like I’m having unlimited patience. Because I always look calm. But there’s actually a reason behind. Back then, there’s this man reminded me that I need to be careful with my words after I chose not to open my third eye and used it for a greater good. I don’t want to make it superstitious but every word that comes out from my mouth when I’m angry, it becomes real. That’s what happened to two guys I had a relationship with.

The first guy whom I met online and said he was single but actually had a wife, I told him that I hope his wife found out, divorced him and his life became miserable. 5 years later, I got something like a whisper in my ear that said I needed to know about his life update and I found out that his wife got him divorced. In an offical statement, there was a paragraph stated that he suffered from some kind of sexual disfunction. I was a bit surprised but I was glad his wife found out and I looked at her life now, she’s happy.

The second guy whom I also met online, the pathological liar who lied about everything in his life, including his age, when I cut him off I said to him I hope your life got miserable financially, because he was using a lot of my money he said he was going to give back. A year later my friend told me that his father’s business got bankrupt so his life was indeed miserable he even downgraded his phone from the latest iPhone to older model. He did me dirty so that’s clearly on him.

Now, I’m actually afraid. I know I’m angry right now but I don’t want to say something that makes me regret my words later. That’s why I always stay calm. Every time I feel like I’m about to explode, I take a deep inhale.

But, I don’t know if I can hold it or not.

Sometimes, life hits us with a reality we never expected. Today, I’m finally decided to face that reality as I say goodbye to a connection that’s faded into silence. This is probably the last post I made about you. Yes, I still am dreaming about you. But, I know it’s just my subconscious talking. I don’t want to be someone who is delusional of believing something that was never real. I don’t want to be sound so pathetic of thinking about you constantly. Especially when I know I don’t have any reason to see you anymore.

I’m taking things as it is now. I won’t overthink as to why you never text or call me. You don’t want to have any kind of communications with me anymore. That’s the thought I have. It’s as simple as that. Because, if you wanted, you would. If you cared enough to know how I’ve been holding up, you would ask. But, if you cared, you’d be here, though. And you’re not.

Something has been keeping me awake every night. I wonder if I ever really mattered to you or if our time together was just a blip in your life. You talked about me giving you the safe space you needed, but it seems you preferred silence over talking and letting your ego won over the security of our connection. Was it a choice, or did someone else take my place? I can’t help but think about her – the one who said to me that she really tried to break free from you but kept coming back. She kept coming back and you couldn’t say no. I wonder if you’d do the same for me if one day I came back to you or if she holds a stronger grip on you.

Despite the overwhelming urge to reach out to you, I’m holding back. Damn, it’s really hard. Unlike her, I won’t try to contact you, even though the void you’ve left behind is a constant ache. Don’t you know how many times I wanted to call you just to ask you about technical things which is clearly your expertise but then I decided to find the answers myself. I switched my thoughts into the What Would You Do mode. Even though I know I’m far from what you can do because I know just a little. That’s how badly I wanted you to help me in every issue I encountered.

People around me ask about you, showing that beyond our now-faded connection, there are others who care about your well-being. It’s a reminder that life goes on, even when relationships come to an unexpected end.

Each day is a fresh challenge without you, and every passing moment brings forth memories of our time together. Deep down, I understand that even if I were to plead, you wouldn’t stay. And so, I’m embracing the painful process of letting go, finding closure in the profound silence that now defines the story of us.

Yet, in the middle of this farewell, a lingering hope persists – the hope that you might surprise me with that infectious smile at my doorstep. The smile I used to love. Your laughter, once a source of joy, could momentarily lift the burdens I carry. “But, darling, you are the only exception.” just like Paramore’s song. I find myself hoping for a second chance, willing to put in the hard work needed to mend whatever is broken, to keep us together.

I’d love to hear from you, about the things you’re into, just like before. You know, I’m very close to take a big step and say yes to an offer that could bring us closer again, hoping that my overall well-being will improve in the process. I even convinced myself to be ready to hit the gym with you, because I need someone to teach me how to use those equipments and also counting the reps I take. We’ll go to the gym and we’ll be that couple who gets healthier, happier and hotter together. That’s the goal. But, here I am finally decided to hit the gym next month… alone. Hehe.

In my heart, the hope remains for regular date nights – simple dinners from street vendors, no need for extravagance. I dream of making our plans a reality, of building a home together. However, in the middle of these aspirations, my reality intervenes – my menstrual cycle becomes irregular again, a reminder that certain battles I must face alone. It’s going to be ok.

A moment of realization washes over me; the idea that my physical well-being improved solely because of your presence was an illusion. As I come to terms with this, it becomes a guiding thought, a reminder that it’s time to let go of hope. I no longer wish to be ensnared by the dangers of hope, recognizing the importance of moving forward, even for someone who believes nobody wants her.

You know what is the toughest part? It’s breaking the news to my Mom and Dad. They went silent, as if they’re disappointed in me because I never introduced anyone to them. Once I did, I feel like I failed, especially since I know my parents liked you. It adds another layer of pain to this already challenging journey.

Lo pernah tanya ke gue pas awal bulan Februari kemarin, “Sejak kapan?” Gue tau maksud pertanyaan lo. Tapi waktu itu gue cuma jawab “Hah? Sejak kapan apa?” trus lo bales “Sejak dicolek ya?”. Mau ketawa, soalnya lo pakai kata-kata ‘dicolek’ padahal maksudnya pas lo nyolek gue pakai jari telunjuk ngajak kenalan di depan ruang meeting di mana kita bingung mau masuk apa gak soalnya tau di dalem udah rame. Gue jawab disini, ya. Gue gak tau sejak kapan, yang jelas bukan dari pas lo nyolek gue. Disitu mah gue masih biasa aja. Seketika berasa nyaman, aman dan tenang, iya. Gue gak tau perasaan saat itu gimana cuma lo tau gak itu rasanya kaya ada angin sejuk aja lewat. Yaa kaya adegan di FTV gitu lah. Tapi gak seketika itu juga gue suka sama lo.

Paling berasa pas gue ke Malaysia, padahal cuma berapa hari doang kan business trip nya. Tapi gue berasa jauuuhhh banget dari lo dan gue gak suka. Rasanya pengen cepet-cepet balik. Padahal Malaysia-Indonesia sejauh apa sih?? Entah lah. Hal yang sama gue rasain pas lo ke Australia. Kerjaan gue mantengain flightradar liat pesawat lo udah dimana, delay apa gak, take off sama landing jam berapa. Mungkin karena ngerasa udah gak ada di negara yang sama jadinya berasa jauh. Buktinya pas gue sekarang di Bandung dan lo di Jakarta ya biasa aja. Soalnya sama-sama di Indonesia HAHAHA.

Gimana kalau gue beneran lanjut S2 di UK ya? Ya gak gimana-gimana lah. Orang udah gak sama-sama lagi wk. Tapi gue agak lega sih soalnya gue inget lo pernah bilang “Ya gua ikut lah. Cari duit yang banyak dulu dah. Biaya S2 lu mahal ya.” First of all, gue terharu sih disitu. For the very first time, ada yang mendukung gue. Gue gak minta dibiayain ya kan gue bilang mau cari beasiswa. Yuk bisa yuk Chevening. Tapi lo bilang mau nemenin aja gue udah seneng banget. Katanya bisa lah pindah kerja ke cabang yang di UK wkwk ini lucu banget. Gue beneran bersyukur banget denger lo bilang gitu sampai gue berdoa dalam hati gue mau S2 dan lo harus ikut nemenin gue. Tapi udah gak mungkin sekarang wkwk. Naahh jadi lo gak usah cari duit banyak lagi buat biayain kuliah gue ya. Gue gak mau jadi beban. Makanya gue bilang gue lega. Eh tetep deh cari duit yang banyak buat lo biar bisa punya banyak koleksi mobil tua yang lucu-lucu itu. Atau biar bisa build your own server.

Intercultural Communication for Business and the Professions, University of Warwick. Gue catet disini ya. Masih belum berubah sih pilihannya dari pertama lulus S1 juga. Udah pernah gue share ke lo kan ya?

Jadi, kalau lo tanya lagi “Sejak kapan?”, yang jelas bukan kaya orang-orang bilang love at first sight whatsoever. Justru pas pertama kali denger suara lo, it was soooo familiar. Pertama ketemu lo gue berasa nervous system gue kaya jadi tenang banget. Jujur, degdegan nya cuma pas first date aja. Tangan gue dingin. Gue grogi banget jadi gue ngajak muter-muter sniffing parfum ke Sephora dan Maison Margiela. Karena gue tau parfum bikin gue tenang. Thank you yaa.. Gue sampai sekarang masih penasaran di kehidupan sebelumnya, kita ini apa ya? I don’t think we’re soulmates. More like twin flames, I believe. Because it’s an instant recognition and familiarity with high intensity.

Oh iya. Pas lo ke Bandung deh. Mulai dari situ. I really appreciate your effort karena gue pikir lo cuma bercanda aja. I told myself “Gak mungkin lah ke Bandung.” soalnya I made a promise to myself gak akan meruntuhkan tembok pertahanan kecuali kalau lo ke Bandung. Yaudah. Gue bisa apa?

Otak halu gue tuh makin menjadi pas lo nanya “Emang cincin Tiffany harganya berapaan?” soalnya gue pernah bilang Tiffany Setting is every girl’s dream for the engagement ring. Pas gue sebutin harga paling murah nya berapa, lo kaget HAHAHA yaiya gue juga kaget cincin semahal itu buat yang paling murahnya aja. Gue hampir pengen bilang “Gue gak butuh Tiffany tapi yang modelnya mirip aja bisa custom sendiri jauh lebih murah soalnya sebenernya gue suka sama modelnya simple trus karena kotaknya warna biru. Nanti deh kalau kita udah kaya raya di titik yang mau belanja udah gak liat harga, lo baru beliin gue Tiffany.” HAMPIR LHO NGOMONG GITU GUE SAMBIL MOTONG PICANHA. Tapi ya kan halu banget trus kepedean ya. Jadinya gue cuma jawab “Iya anjir cincin aja mahal banget.”. It was on our first date lupa banget pas lagi bahas apaan tiba-tiba bahas cincin. Dah lah emang halu banget anaknya. Kurang-kurangin dah halu nya. Yakali first date udah kepikiran dikasih cincin. Later on we found out kalau weton kita jodoh ketemu Tinari ya wkwkwkw kalau jadi bisa kaya raya kita bergelimangan harta~

Trus yang selalu bikin gue mikir Universe is on our side adalah, do you remember the first wine we had together? We had Shiraz. Back then kayanya gue gak sering nyebutin gue pengen nama anak gue Shiraz deh. Cuma sekali doang di kantor pas kita lagi ngobrol ngaco sama anak-anak trus bahas anak. Gue bilang gue pengen punya anak cowo namanya Shiraz. Itu udah lama banget ya kayanya Januari tahun lalu deh trus lo kan orangnya pelupa jadi gak mungkin inget setelah berbulan-bulan kemudian. Pas gue liat botolnya and it’s Shiraz I was like… Hi, Universe, what are you trying to do? Trus gue tanya ke lo kenapa pilih Shiraz and you said “Random aja.”. I don’t think it’s random. It’s the Universe hand’s picking for you. Ya bayangin aja of all the red wine types from Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Pinot Noir, Lambrusco… you chose Shiraz??? Lucu sih. Lebih lucu lagi pas nanti Shiraz udah gede trus nanya kenapa namanya Shiraz and then we said ke anak kita kalau Shiraz is the first wine we had together. ANAK KITA GAK TUH WKWKWK MAKIN HALU DAH LAH CUKUP TIAAAAA HADEUHH!

They said, find someone to grow old with. But, it’s actually find someone to stay child with. Kalau diingat-ingat lagi, cuma sama lo gue bisa beneran jadi diri gue sendiri. Karokean di mobil meskipun tau suara jelek tapi lo ikutan nyanyi juga jadinya gue happy. Sama yang dulu-dulu, mau ada lagu kesukaan tiba-tiba keputer juga gue bakalan diem aja jaim. Masak sambil joget… itu biasanya gue lakuin pas lagi sendiri aja. I got to admit, I like me better when I’m with you.

By the wayyyyy tau gak sih? Masih ada 2 draft reels yang 1 the duty of passenger princess di mana gue nyuapin lo makan ketika lo nyetir dan yang 1 adalah you’re someone whom I manifested di mana video nya adalah ketika our sushi date gue ngerekam conversation seru kenapa lo selalu makan sesuatu plain dulu sebelum ditambah spices or sauce. Trus lo bilang “Makannya sambil liat gua makanya jadi manis.” Gue kasih nilai 100 deh ya buat kepercayaan diri lo. I was actually waiting for the day gue bisa post reels itu tapi akhirnya dari draft langsung pergi ke trash.

Selama sama lo, gue tutup akses semua orang yang dikit-dikit chat atau ngirim DM because I just didn’t have any interest in them at all ya buat apa? Entertaining the mediocre juga ngabisin energi kan. Tapi sekarang harusnya ketika gue udah sendiri lagi, gue buka akses buat orang lain ya biar gak kesepian aja. Kenyataannya gak gitu. Aksesnya malah ditutup makin rapat kaya pakai 2FA pokoknya mau masuk aja sulit. Gue beneran gak bisa bayangin gue sama orang lain selain lo. Kalau kata orang-orang, nanti juga bisa. Nanti juga ada yang datang lagi. Lah dari dulu yang datang juga banyak tapi pintunya kan gak dibuka wkwk ini dibuka cuma buat si Golden Retriever satu itu aja.

Hal yang paling menyedihkan dari semua ini adalah… I lost my best friend. Gue pernah bilang kan ke lo kalau gue gak punya temen sekarang soalnya temen-temen gue udah pada nikah dan punya anak jadi sibuk sama keluarga mereka sendiri. Temen gue yang single juga pada sibuk sama dunianya. Gue lebih sering sendiri sekarang dan temen gue lo doang. Makanya gue apa-apanya cerita ke lo. Sekarang gue sendiri lagi. Hehe. Gapapa. Gue cuma lagi balik lagi ke gue yang sebelum kenal lo aja. Gue udah jarang banget pegang hp kecuali buka Instagram atau kerjaan. Selebihnya, gue ngisi waktu dengan baca buku atau yaaa bingewatch FRIENDS meskipun nonton FRIENDS sama lo jauh lebih menyenangkan. Ya gitu-gitu aja rutinitasnya sih. Kerja. Oh sama olahraga juga. Working out helps me to keep sane.

Inget gak lo pernah bilang ke gue “Gua gak mau lu nyesel milih gua.”. Gak sih gue gak pernah nyesel. I chose you. Mungkin dengan orang-orang sebelumnya, gue lebih ke… “Yaudalah kalo emang sama dia gapapa deh.” terpaksa kan jadinya? Seakan yaudah aja gitu. Makanya gue gak pernah invested that much of my feelings. When I met you, I chose you dan yang ada di otak gue adalah “This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” dengan yakin, tanpa ada sedikit pun keraguan dan sekarang pun gak ada penyesalan sama sekali.

Sempat kepikiran buat eksekusi rencana win you back. Because I can live without you, I just don’t want. Tapi gue tau hidup lo udah tenang sekarang tanpa gue. Kayanya selama ini emang lo doang yang berusaha bikin gue seneng tapi gue belum cukup untuk buat lo seneng. Mungkin kalau ada orang yang nanya tentang gue, lo bisa jawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan mereka sedangkan gue belum tentu. Kalau ditanya, apakah gue seneng selama sama lo? Gue seneng. Seneng banget malah. Makasi yaaa… Princess is happy. Padahal gue juga kepikiran kalau misalnya emang ada kesempatan kedua, gue mau naik pangkat lah dari Princess ke Queen HAHAHA apa sih. Trus anthem kita jadi Kali Kedua nya Raisa selain Lucky nya Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat.

Udah, Tia. Udahan yuk halu nya.

To conclude this long post, I just want to say that I was in fact attracted by your potential, but I fell for who you really are. I saw you at your worst and still thought you were the best. I fell in love with my best friend and that was the best thing I ever had.

I love you even though I know you don’t believe in love and if you read this, you’ll laugh.

We talked about you. I went out with my bestie for dinner just a few hours ago and we talked about you. It came as a surprise because she never asked about some guys I dated because she knew that I left them for good. But, she asked me about you.

“I don’t know.”, I said. I told her the truth. I don’t know how you are. “We haven’t talked since that day and it’s been a month. I’m respecting his decision so I’m not gonna talk to him again”, I added.

“How are you holding up?”, she threw a question that felt like a breeze of fresh air. The question that I wish I knew the right answer. “I’ve been better.”, I answered.

Last night, I found myself immersed in another vivid dream of you, and it was the most intense one yet. In this dream, we shared a moment so intimate that it felt real, until the painful revelation unfolded.

You uttered words that cut deep – you couldn’t choose me over the shadow of your past. It was heartbreaking to hear that I might have only been a fleeting presence in your life, a product of boredom rather than genuine investment. As the scene played out in my dream, the rawness of your words felt incredibly real. When I woke up, a heavy weight seemed to pin me down, as if I couldn’t move. The desire to cry lingered, yet no tears were shed. The dream may be a creation of my mind, but its impact resonates. It dawned on me that yesterday marked exactly one month since your departure.

I confided in my bestie about these persistent dreams, despite my efforts to consciously focus on living my best life without dwelling on him. She shared a similar experience from ages ago when she dreamt about someone. Her psychologist cousin explained that these dreams could be rooted in subconscious thoughts.

The revelation struck me. Even though I’m putting on a strong front and intentionally not thinking about him during the day, my subconscious seems to cling to the habit of calling his name. I realized that these dreams were like an alternate reality where he lived, even though I knew it was impossible for him to return. So, I made a conscious choice to let him be the one that got away, residing in my thoughts rather than in my reality. It’s a way of acknowledging the past without letting it disrupt the present.

Another thing I told my bestie was that my standards have skyrocketed after experiencing a taste of what felt like perfection with him. It’s as if he set a bar so high that finding someone who measures up seems like a mission impossible. The comparison to that idealized connection makes it challenging to settle for anything less.

Yet, paradoxically, I also confessed a somewhat cynical perspective on marriage. I admitted that if I were to pursue marriage, I might consider choosing someone almost randomly, without the expectation of deep love. The reason being, I’ve come to believe that true significance lies in finding someone who has the power to resurrect my once-dead heart, akin to a phoenix rising from its ashes.

The notion of a love so transformative, capable of breathing life back into a heart that once felt lifeless, becomes the ultimate criterion. It’s not just about settling for a conventional relationship but seeking a connection that holds profound meaning and has the potential to revitalize the essence of who I am.

Reflecting on my past relationships, I’ve never been in one where almost everyone, including my big, extensive family, was incredibly supportive. It was different with him. They met him once, and the positive impression he left was undeniable. Perhaps that’s what makes accepting the reality of us not being what he wanted so painfully challenging.

The memories of his warmth, the smiles, and the laughter linger in my mind, creating an ache that intensifies with the awareness that our connection didn’t unfold as I had hoped. There’s an inexplicable longing to rewind time, to hug him again, and relive those moments when everything felt perfect.

Yet, deep down, I recognize that I’m still in the first stage of Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief: Denial. I haven’t met the other guys yet but I knew their reputations. I guess it’s about time for me to meet Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

I just had a midnight shower after preparing meals for work and an hour of intense workout. Tired and sleepy but this girl is being hard on herself right now. So, let her.

Anyway, have you ever found yourself trapped in a series of dreams that seem to loop endlessly? For the past 10 days, I’ve been caught in a whirlwind of dreams featuring him – vivid scenarios where he’s a constant presence. It’s like now he’s living in my dream. But, last night was different. In the dream, I found myself engaged in conversation with his sister, a person I’ve never crossed paths with in reality because she’s living abroad. Despite the unfamiliarity, she played the role of a supportive sister, offering words of encouragement and advising me to be patient. The sheer peculiarity of dreaming about his family sparked a cascade of thoughts.

Could these dreams be a window into a deeper reality, unveiling the reasons behind his departure? It’s a perplexing question, particularly considering the conscious effort I’ve put into focusing on myself and mending the shattered pieces of my mind. Despite my attempts at self-healing, an oppressive weight lingers in my chest, making each breath a laborious task.

Thinking about my own situation, I can’t help but wonder about the Universe – hi, are you ok?? Last Saturday, I was all set for a date, only to have it canceled out of the blue. Lucky for me, I hadn’t even started getting ready. It feels like the Universe had its own plans. I’m left wondering if it’s trying to tell me something, like maybe it’s not the right time for me to be with someone new.

And then, there’s this other thing that popped into my mind. Just last week, I got a notification that he changed his number. The thing is, I could’ve easily clicked on the message to see his new number, but something held me back. It’s like this feeling that he really wanted to forget me and whatever we had. It’s a tough pill to swallow, knowing there’s a direct line to his new number, yet choosing not to take it.

Speaking of opportunities, a dearest friend recently offered me something that might be even better than what I’m currently doing. The catch is, the environment would be familiar, but I can’t shake the fear that accepting it might make it harder for me to open a new chapter. What if it makes him uncomfortable? What if he starts seeking new opportunities because of my choice? It’s a daunting decision, balancing professional growth with the delicate threads of personal history.

For the first time, I’m wrestling with emotions that feel entirely new. It’s like my mind has suited up in strong armor, making it tough for me to be close to anyone or let them touch me. Picture an invisible shield around me, keeping my focus on my personal journey. Even basic desires feel quieter now; I haven’t found comfort in usual ways since that day. It’s a bit strange for a grown woman who knows what makes her happy, but my mind seems to have built this protective shield, telling me to stay thoughtful and focused amid all these emotions.

In addition to these emotional challenges, my physical well-being has taken a hit. Unlike when I was with him, I’m now dealing with acne, more hair fall, and easily triggered acid reflux. The irony is, I’ve been committed to regular workouts, healthy eating, and early bedtimes – well, except for now. It’s disheartening to see my body respond this way despite my efforts to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Come to think of it, an offer from a dear friend tempts me. There’s a fleeting thought of being close to him, thinking it could be good for both my mental and physical health. However, deep down, I realize this idea is somewhat silly and selfish. I’ve made a promise to respect his decision even though every fiber of my being craves his presence in my life.

I find myself missing the simple things – his smile, laughs, and silly jokes that once filled my days. His presence had become a comforting routine, and now, it’s just a matter of time for me to adjust to a new normal. “It’s ok. Everything will be ok.”, I said to myself. I’ve been through hell and came back stronger so this too shall pass.

As I try to make sense of all these emotions, unexpected twists, and the subtle cues from the Universe, I’m starting to think that dreams, cancellations, and even changed numbers might be the Universe’s way of saying, “Hold on, there’s more to discover.” It’s like a gentle nudge to be patient and open to the unknown, even when it feels hard.

Now, sleep. it’s 3 am. Just let the Universe works in its mysterious and mystical way.

Dreams can be deceiving, can’t they? Last night, I found myself in a dream where he was there, smiling and looking at me with that familiar warmth. It felt as if he never left, but the harsh reality hit – it’s been two weeks since he walked out of my life.

“I’m comfortable being in my masculine energy with you.” I remember this exact phrase because he said this on my birthday so it’s impossible for me to just forget the moment as well. A compliment that felt like receiving a badge of honor, a rare achievement I treasured. His masculine energy became my fortress, allowing me to fully embrace my feminine side. A side I kept tucked away because, let’s face it, being strong was my default mode.

His actions spoke louder than words, creating a symphony of gestures that resonated with warmth and affection. His sweetness manifested in the little things – an unexpected compliment that brightened my day or a thoughtful gesture that showed he was attuned to my needs. It was as if he had a unique way of understanding the language of my heart, translating it into acts of kindness that left a mark on my mind.

In the intricate dance of our connection, it’s like this little tug of war – I’m always cheering for him, totally sure of his skills and awesomeness, even when he’s got those moments of doubting himself. While he might be second-guessing his own abilities, I’m over here thinking he’s got this secret stash of talents waiting to be discovered. It’s a bit like being a cheerleader, you know? When he’s in doubt mode, I’m the one saying, “You’ve got it, buddy!” It’s not just me being blindly optimistic; it’s about me seeing the awesome person he is, hoping he starts seeing it too.

Those awesome times with him really stand out because of our real connection. No matter what hassles or annoyances came my way, he was always there to hear me out. He’s not just good at listening; he gets the nitty-gritty of what’s going on in my head and heart, creating a comfy zone where I know he truly gets me. What’s cool about him is it’s not just about hearing me vent; he’s like a solution wizard afterward. It’s not just emotional support; it’s a deep understanding of what I need, and a promise to tackle life’s tricky stuff together. The way he smoothly switches from listening buddy to problem-solving sidekick adds this extra awesome layer to our connection, making those open-heart moments a big part of our shared adventure.

Our shared intimacy, a harmonious dance of emotions and connection. It’s so special that comparing it to anything else just doesn’t do it justice. Even the simple stuff, things that might seem regular to someone looking in, turn into something amazing when it’s us doing it together. He has this way of making every moment feel like it’s the absolute best. The idea of sharing such intimacy with anyone else seems almost inconceivable, for with him, it was as if the universe aligned, creating a perfect symphony of emotions and desires.

In moments of introspection, I’ve come to realize that I might not fit the mold of his dream girl, nor am I the archetype he initially envisioned. I’m not his predetermined type, and yet, there’s a beauty in the fact that our connection transcends such boundaries. The understanding that he took a chance on our relationship, despite not having a predefined image of me in his mind, makes every shared experience feel like a stroke of luck. Knowing I wasn’t his expected choice adds an element of surprise and appreciation to our story. Every moment we share feels like winning the jackpot because I wasn’t what he expected. It adds a nice twist to our story, making me feel special. It’s like, “Hey, I might not be your usual pick, but here we are, making our own unique journey.” And in that, I find a special kind of happiness, feeling like the luckiest and happiest girl because he chose to dive into this adventure with me, breaking free from expectations and letting love happen naturally.

While I once stumbled upon a notion suggesting that for a relationship to flourish, a man must love the woman more, as she can learn to love him even if he’s not her envisioned type, I’ve chosen to respectfully challenge that perspective. I believe love is a dynamic force that transcends conventional expectations. The idea that a man can only love a woman fully if she aligns with his dreams didn’t resonate with me. In my view, love is not a one-way street but rather a shared journey where both partners contribute to the strength and resilience of the connection. Choosing to love deeply, regardless of preconceived notions, creates a foundation where understanding, support, and unwavering commitment can thrive. A woman who loves her man wholeheartedly holds a powerful space for him – a sanctuary where he can find solace and refuge when the world seems rough. This counter-narrative speaks to the strength and beauty inherent in a love that defies societal norms, celebrating the unique strengths each partner brings to the relationship.

Despite the warmth and affection he showed me, it’s important to acknowledge that his past wasn’t without its complexities. I learned that his ex had labeled him a chronic liar. The weight of those words could have cast a pall over my perception of him, but I couldn’t bring myself to entertain such notions. In the time we spent together, I saw a different side of him – one that was sincere, caring, and genuine. People change, circumstances evolve, and I chose to view him through the lens of our experiences rather than through the judgments of the past. The complexities of human relationships are nuanced, and I believed in the potential for growth and transformation. Thus, I held onto the belief that our shared moments were an authentic reflection of the person he had become.

Summoning courage, I finally told my bestie about what happened with me and him. Usually the queen of tough love, she surprised me by morphing into a pillar of support, her words dripping with an unexpected softness. It was like entering a parallel universe where her usual critiques took a backseat.

The friend who typically urged me to cut ties and move on was now contemplating the possibility of a return. It left me in a mix of emotions, wrestling with closure and the potential for a reopened chapter. She’s not in the wrong, she just knew me too well since college with all my history of romantic relationships. Gone were the familiar refrains of “Good for you for ending the relationship” or “I always knew he’s not good for you.” Instead, she led with a genuine, “Are you okay? How are you holding up?” I managed to keep my composure, but the question lingered in the air.

I was wondering why her tone was so different this time around. I realized it might be because I confessed that, for the first time, I felt treated right and cherished as a woman. The safety and security I felt around him were experiences foreign to me, and she knew that.

“What if he comes back?” she dropped a bombshell, not the typical reaction I’d anticipate. “Not now, but maybe in six months or a year – with certainty this time.” It was a curveball that shattered the closure I’d been desperately trying to achieve.

Her question prompted me to lay my cards on the table, admitting, “I don’t think he’s gonna come back. He made it clear he’s out of my life, and we haven’t spoken since that day. I’ve never seen him so sure. So, do I wish for him to come back? Yes. But reality is, he’s gone now.”

And now, in this moment, I’m surrendering him back to the Universe – the same Universe that once orchestrated our meeting and allowed us to share some of the best times. I trust the cosmic dance, believing that if we have another chance, the Universe will align our paths once more.

I found myself facing the unrelenting truth when I opened Spotify this morning– he had detached himself as a collaborator in our shared playlist. I can say that I’m a detailed person. Hence, I noticed the conspicuous absence of “Sesaat Kau Hadir” by Gery Gany. A song he once added with a trace of his musical taste, now vanished. The absence of a song that held sentimental weight deepened the wound.

The collaborative removal became a metaphor for the erasure of our shared existence. It wasn’t just a departure from the digital realm; it symbolized the fragmentation of a connection we once had. The bitter taste of reality lingers as I comprehend the permanence of his decision.

The realization dawned on me like a distant storm approaching – he possesses a formidable will to exist outside the contours of my life. Was I, perhaps, an unwelcome burden, a chapter he needed to close? The haunting notion that I might have been an intrusion he wished to escape lingered like a mossy dry down in perfume I didn’t like.

For the past week, I danced with denial, masking the heartache that festered within. Yet, his actions unveiled a truth I was unwilling to confront – this might be a heartache I can’t endure.

As I face the uncertain path ahead, I must find solace in the bittersweet memories embedded in the notes of our shared playlist, understanding that sometimes, the most profound growth emerges from the fragments of a broken symphony.

In the quiet corners of my memories, I still hold onto the echoes of a melody that once encapsulated the pure joy of our shared moments. It was “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat, a song that resonated through the walls of his car as we belted out lyrics, creating harmonies of our own. Little did I know that those harmonies would eventually dissolve into a symphony of heartache.

Recalling the way he treated me with unwavering kindness and consideration, I find solace in those fragments of the past. He was the comforting presence after a long, exhausting day – a pillar of support that made the challenges of life seem a bit more bearable. His willingness to help with anything I needed and the absence of complaints when my emotions wore an unruly mask spoke volumes of the love that enveloped us.

Late-night talks became a lifeline, bridging the gap between us and creating an intimacy that left an indelible mark on my heart. In those intimate moments, distance faded, and our souls danced in a space uniquely ours. But now, in the silence left by his absence, those conversations echo as a poignant reminder of what once was.

In the aftermath of his departure, I’ve chosen not to conceal my pain behind a facade of false strength. I acknowledge the void he left and the ache that lingers in the spaces where his laughter used to reside. The journey to healing is a slow, deliberate process, and I refuse to rush through it.

This is a story I keep close, a narrative I choose not to share extensively with friends and family. Except when they go here and read this whole post. When they ask, the response is simple: we’re not together anymore. It’s a protective shield around a tale too precious, too vulnerable to be laid bare. It’s a private journey of healing, a process I navigate with strength, seeking solace in the memories of being treated right.

For so long, strength defined me, but with him, I found the freedom to embrace my feminine energy. He treated me with a kindness that allowed me to be vulnerable, transforming me into a princess who, for the first time, felt truly lucky in love. Deep within, I acknowledge that he made me the luckiest and happiest princess, even if our fairy tale ended in a different way than I had imagined.

Deep within me, I carry the untold truth that from the moment I fell for him, I envisioned a future – a marriage or perhaps my greatest heartbreak. Regrettably, it unfolded as the latter. A week has passed since we last spoke, a conscious choice to respect his decision. Although every fiber of my being longs for the familiarity of our conversations, I resist the urge, allowing the silence to speak volumes.

As new faces approach, sensing the shift in my world, I reply with politeness but harbor no interest. My heart, once so sure of its path, now finds itself in uncharted territory. In my heart, there’s a space that belongs to him, a space I am not ready to fill with another’s presence.

He was not just a partner; he was my best friend, my ally, and my love. Can’t believe I’m saying this out loud now and not when I was still with him. Every corner of my life held a piece of him, and now, as I navigate this uncharted territory of heartbreak, I cling to the hope that time, with its healing touch, will guide me towards a brighter tomorrow.

Hope, like a delicate flame, flickers within me. I hold onto the hope that the universe, with its whimsical sense of humor, might weave our stories together again. I remember the serendipity that brought us together in the first place, a reminder that sometimes the best moments are the ones we stumble upon when we least expect them. A silent vow to never let go if the universe grants us another chance is made.

There’s a paper strip of the perfume I really like because of how it smells on someone beside my bed. It’s been 5 days since the day I decided to try it on the paper strip although I already knew too well how it smells… and the scent still lingers.

That’s when my tears broke.

Of course it still lingers. It has the highest concentration that’s why it’s still there on the paper after 5 days. All of a sudden, there’s this burst of happy memories and of course, the last one I saw him which was the bad one.

I know that scent evokes certain memories. I know. All this time, there hasn’t been bad memories or places I don’t want to remember when I smell one of my perfumes. Now, there are two perfumes I don’t wanna smell, my favorite perfume because it’s like me in a bottle that I wore it the last time I saw him and another one is the perfume he’s currently wearing. The one with the same scent on the paper strip beside my bed.

It wasn’t a smart decision to wear my most favorite scent for that day. Because, I thought it was a perfect scent that I was gonna wear to match the black dress I bought for the dinner. Now, I have to put my most favorite scent to the never-smell-again section. I’ll keep it but if I can’t stand it, I’ll sell the item and that means there will be 2 bottles I’ll get rid of. Narciso Rodriguez For Her EDP and Mykonos Musk Aura as its alternative.

As for his scent, I’m just hoping that I won’t smell it randomly on people when I go somewhere. But, it’s kinda impossible since it’s a best seller perfume from the brand. I’ll just train my nose to ignore it. Wow, it’s harder than I thought because that means I’ll train my nose to ignore Lavender and that’s one of my most favorite notes. I’m bidding adieu to all my perfumes with Lavender notes as well.

Speaking of scent, have you ever heard about the term chemically bonded? Wait, let me just insert the link so you can read here. Apparently, it’s something that I never knew but now that I know… ok it all makes sense. I didn’t know why I liked sniffing him even when he’s not wearing any perfume. On my nose, he smells like sweet riped peach with honey facet, light indolic almost powdery honeysuckle, a bit of sandalwood and heavy dry animalic musk like ambroxan. I told him this and he didn’t believe. That’s ok, though. Only one of us here got her nose trained and it’s definitely not you, sir 🙄

This chemically bonded thing, I remember almost fell asleep while at work and it’s when I started to move my desk near him and other tech guys because my boss told me I shouldn’t sit faraway from tech guys. I didn’t know why but now I know. Another occasion was when he drove me home after I had several meetings in Jakarta and I just departed from Bandung early morning. I told him I could go home by myself but he clearly didn’t listen to me. So I tried to stay awake while he asked me about my days and held my cheek because I used to lean on his left shoulder.

Despite the outsider problem, what we had was wonderful. It’s the first healthy relationship that I had after the most excruciating toxic relationship. It’s healthy until I thought to myself what could possibly be the reason that tears us apart?

It was only several days ago he shared me a link about his test result that described things that can sabotage him. His Hyper-Rational score is perfect, meaning that he has trouble with emotions, be it receiving or expressing. I knew that long time ago when I first knew him as a friend. That didn’t scare me. Because after all, we built different as human.

Back then, when I tried to get closer to him, I talked a lot like an interviewer doing her job getting to know a candidate. There wasn’t any tik-tok conversation like I asked him, he asked me back. No. It was all me and he was just saying words I could count with my fingers. That’s when I knew it would be challenging but boy I love challenges. Once I got to know him, look who’s talking a lot now 😏

It was also last week when he finally admitted that I’m high-maintenance. I wasn’t surprised but I couldn’t help giving him the shocking facial expression like the one Monica gave to Chandler. To my surprise, he continued with “You’re a little high maintenance but I like maintaining you.”. Yes, he’s quoting Chandler hahaha but that’s why I liked him more. I grew up with FRIENDS and Chandler is my favorite character. Chandler is my standard! Honestly, he’s like Chandler. He’s my Chandler. Was 🙂

I never for once tried to change him. For me, he’s more than enough. If you asked me, does he check all the list? I got to say, no. No, he doesn’t. But what made me more grateful was he always trying to do better. When I first knew him, he always said “Well this is me. I don’t have any objections when you pointed out my flaws.” which, to be honest, was not the right and pleasant answer to hear. I know I’m lucky to hear him saying “I know I may not be the one you expected yet but I know I can do that.” and “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. What can I do to make you feel better?” and, that, my friend, is a character development.

He was progressing. He became a lot better. But, he still thought he couldn’t be the man I wanted. This was the thing he always did. He always thought that he wasn’t enough. That what he did wasn’t even close to expectations. Sometimes I wanted to punch him in the face while screaming “You are enough.” but that would probably send me to jail because it’s considered as a domestic violence. Me biting him everytime I had a chance was enough.

“You’re good for my mental health.”, I told him this way long time ago. I think it was almost a year ago when we started to get closer not only to discuss about work stuffs. I told him that because whenever I talked to him, I was at peace. Serene. Most of the times I was fascinated by his mind. Yes, he’s a very attractive man. He’s handsome. But, I didn’t fall for him because of his physical appearance. I fell for him because he listened to all my ramblings eventhough I knew he had a bad day, he didn’t try to compete with “Oh you had a bad day? Me too. You know what?”. I fell for him because he never raised his tone while speaking to me even when I knew he was angry or upset. I fell for him because he always prepared a glass of iced apple cider vinegar drink before eating. I know it’s also for his own benefits because we both have acid reflux problem but still it’s a very nice gesture. I fell for him because he knew I love coffee but too much coffee would make my stomach upset so he knew just the right amount.

I fell for him despite his emotional unavailability. This might be weird and not ideal for some people. But, I myself tend to shut down when I’m overstimulated or overwhelmed and when that happens, I ignore everyone. So, I know how it feels like when I don’t even want to explain what happened to me to anyone. Him being quiet, was never a problem with me. In fact, I know at some point he was struggling to cater for my anxiety if I didn’t get updates from him while I already know his habit and daily activities. I appreciate his efforts to tell me about his feelings when I know it must have been hard for him to be open and vulnerable.

I fell for him despite his sarcastic comments because I understand that it’s his defense mechanism. I never got offended. I just knew and understood somehow. Everytime I told him stories, it was just naturally coming out from his lips, the sarcastic comments. Over the time I got more understanding and saw it as funny comments.

Another funny thing that I can remember is that when we had that card game, there’s this question: Describe us with movie titles. It’s his turn to answer, he was thinking and then finally answering the question with “Everything Everywhere All At Once”. I asked the reason and he said “Because now with you it’s just… open. Like no boundaries anymore.” I was in awe. I didn’t think the meaning was that deep. Then he asked me what’s my answer and I said “It’s your turn. I don’t get to answer the card.” and we laughed. Now, let me say my answer. I describe us with “Serendipity”. Because, I met you when I didn’t look for something good but there you were with that big smile on your face.

It’s your smile that helped me get through my everyday. That’s why I was always excited whenever you sent me your selfie at work, at the gym or at home with your cats. It’s also exciting whenever you sent me voice notes. I could repeat that all day. It’s small things you did but guaranteed it made me happy. It’s already hard being the first daughter in this Asian household and finally hearing that I’m just a disappointment so they kinda ashamed of me. But, now a person that I love is also leaving. I thought finally I have something good going on but I was wrong. That’s okayyy because life goes on.

When we had that one tough conversation before all of this ended, Katy Perry’s The One That Got Away just played in shuffle. I smiled with a little sad laugh. He asked me why and I said “The song. The One That Got Away. Just a perfect soundtrack because it’s so relatable.” in which he replied with “The One? Or Got Away?”. I said “Got Away. Because you won’t be here anymore.” He was in silenced after hearing my answer. I guess I’m just too shy and scared to say the truth at that time. I meant to say “The One” because he is. I didn’t believe in the common concept of The One like anyone else. For me, The One is someone you choose, you work with, you stay committed and together for the highs and lows.

Before Katy Perry’s The One That Got Away, it was Justin Timberlake’s Mirror. We both laughed because the lyrics just hit us hard especially in the reff. “‘Cause I don’t wanna lose you now. I’m lookin’ right at the other half of me.” I looked into his eyes and prayed that he’ll always be happy, healthy and he can handle whatever life throws at him because honestly all I wanted to do was protecting him but I know I can’t do that anymore.

I made a joke before he blew the candles on his birthday cake. It was after we had that tough conversation. I said “I know your wish. You wish all your problems are disappeared and poof! Your wish is granted. I’m out your life.” in which he responded with a hug. He was a little bit shocked because he didn’t know I was gonna say that.

A day after his birthday, I sent a message to his Mom. I thanked her because she raised a man who is very kind and gentle. I also told her that she inspired me.

So, here’s to a man who is very gentle, patient, kind and loving. I don’t need to mention genius because it’s obviously him. I wish I could say how much you meant to me, how I’m excited to have lots of culinary experience and cafe hopping, how you always made me smile whenever I had my bad days… I didn’t get a chance to say this because I froze and I didn’t know what to say. That’s my reflex because my test result said I’m a little bit of an Avoider, huh? But, I know my time with you has come to an expiration.

I decided to post this on the 9th of February because number 9 has a lot of meaning during my time with him. I never told him this but I kept seeing the angel number 9 before we got closer and when I was with him. That’s why I thought I finally found what I was looking for. During our tough conversation, I would really like to say “Be better because I don’t want anyone else and I only want you.” but I held it because it’s selfish.

Damn, the next person will need to do a lot of extra efforts because now the standard bar is THAT high. Yeah, but that if I want to start a new relationship with another person. I don’t.

I’ve been working out regularly. The main reason is for my body. As a PCOS fighter, it’s important to keep the body healthy bukan hanya dari makanan aja. Tapi harus dibantu sama olahraga rutin juga. That’s what my doctor said. I still remember what he said to me. PCOS gak bisa sembuh. Tapi, dengan mengubah pola hidup jadi lebih sehat, gejala nya akan berkurang. After all, kalau badannya sehat, semua jadi lebih baik juga. Terutama kalau ada rencana menikah dan punya anak. Dokterku sama sekali gak menyarankan untuk angkat kista karena aku belum menikah. Tapi kebanyakan cerita dari temanku yang sama mengidap PCOS atau bahkan ada yang Endometriosis, dokter mereka menyarankan untuk cepat menikah aja. Karena kalau cepat menikah, akan jadi sexually active, punya anak, dan kista nya akan meluruh bersama bayi ketika proses melahirkan. Sungguh singkat ya solusinya. Aku bersyukur ditemukan dengan dokter yang sangat mengedukasi karena instead of asking me untuk cepat menikah, he asked me to change the lifestyle jadi lebih sehat lagi. Terima kasih, ya, dok..

I still remember dropping from 91kg to 77kg now. Kemarin sempat di 73kg but I guess I was feeling a bit happier sampai naik lagi berat badannya. Hehehe. Gapapa. Yuk bisa target 60kg kaya dulu lagi! Agak surprised juga kalau ingat dulu pernah di 57kg wkwk

Panjang banget perjalanannya sampai bisa di titik ini. Menjaga makan, iya. Baiknya sih sampai menghindari tepung-tepungan dan gorengan sebenarnya. Meskipun jujur sampai sekarang ya masih makan juga cuma tau diri gak banyak. Makan juga diusahain banget harus ada sayurnya. Sayurnya duluan biar kadar gula dalam darah gak spiking. Tinggal di Bandung membuatku terbiasa makan sayur mentah wkwkwk I found my new favorite food: Karedok! Itu mentah semua and I like it?? Wow. Sebenernya makan sayur mentah tuh kaya makan salad aja sih tapi kan kalau salad mah kan isinya fancy ya.. Lettuce, Romaine Lettuce, Kale… Kalau Karedok kan isinya Kol, Kacang Panjang, Terong Ijo, Timun, Tauge, kadang ditambah Daun Kemangi. Makan yang sayurnya banyak udah, nah trus biar makin oke ditambah ngurangin gula. Ini gula ya emang sumber masalah tapi orang-orang tuh pada gak sadar malah dikit-dikit es teh hhhhh kek mana ya kasih sadarnya?? Selain ngurangin gula, my obgyn also suggested to exercise regularly jadi kalau berat badan nya berkurang, lemak berkurang tapi masa otot nambah. Yaaaaa masih agak males dulu tuh workout kalau ingat aja. Until I realized wah udah nih gak bisa males-malesan mulu kerjaannya. Kalau PCOS nya gak membaik, bakalan lebih lama lagi nanti ketemu Shiraz. Apalagi udah umur segini, nikah belum tau kapan, hamil belum tau kapan, setidaknya hidup sehat dulu ya gak siiii mempersiapkan rahim yang sehat buat Shiraz biar dia nanti tumbuh jadi anak yang pintar bisa parkir mobil yang benar ketika parkir paralel atau sekalian aja belinya helikopter!

Keinginan kuat untuk sehat nyata adanya sampai I created a workout schedule to help me reach my goal. I even set it as my phone lock screen. Ya agak takjub juga sekarang serius banget mau ngecilin badan. One of the reasons selain karena biar sehat, mungkin karena aku sadar di umur yang udah 31 tahun ini, aku justru harus lebih menjaga badanku. I wanna look good in my 50!

So, now I’m doing workout for my health and… for my 🍑 hahaha I’m kinda obsessed with this lately because I’m looking at my body and there’s no way I can get my 🍒 bigger except by getting implants. The only way I can work on is my 🍑 sooo here we go!

Tapi, sebenarnya, ada juga alasan lain yang agaknya kurang penting tapi masih dimasukkan.

I wanna be lighter so he can carry me. Literally lift me up or hold me like a backpack or something. I’m too heavy now, he won’t be able to do that. But, I think that won’t matter anymore 🙂

I gotta admit membuat sesuatu menjadi kebiasaan itu gak mudah. It took me 2 weeks to actually follow the plan I made. Itu pun kemarin ke skip 1 hari. Eh, 2 hari deng ditambah sama menstrual cramp I had yesterday. Sekarang, tiap malas workout aku selalu ingat I told him “Enjoy the view of this body before I transformed into someone new with smaller body” in which he replied with “Buktiin aja”. Karena anaknya sungguh kompetitif, jadi aku gak mau kalah jadi mari kita buktikan 👍

I even improvised with the plan and took slow workout during period because I forgot that when I’m on my period it feels like the world stops spinning. It’s like the end is near. Mostly because I’ll be laying in my bed most of the time. Although for these past several months I no longer feel excruciating abdominal pain like I used to. Masih sakit, iya. Tapi gak sesakit dulu. I know I should thank him for this because my wellbeing is getting a lot better since I got closer with him. I wish he knew that meeting him was my biggest reward from Universe. Meskipun, aku gak tau apakah keberadaanku membuat hidupnya jadi lebih baik atau gak. I hope so.

They said when you met a person, your body would react. Now that I remember, back then with my ex, everytime I saw him, my acid reflux was always up up up to the point I wanted to vomit. Turns out it’s my body response that he’s not good for me. Yes, my body was right. He was indeed not good for me. In contrary, when I met my man for the very first time, I got this feeling in my body like finally I could get some rest and not in a constant alert mode. I still remember when he poked me on my left arm followed with that big smile on his face sambil dia mengarahkan tangannya for a hand shake buat kenalan dan dia nyebutin namanya. I looked at his eyes… and I found peace. WOOOW THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I SAID IT LOUDLY! As I’m getting closer to him, I feel happier. Tapi gak cuma itu. My PCOS symptoms is also getting better. Sempat gak percaya. Tapi siklus menstruasiku membaik memang ketika aku mulai dekat sama dia dan sampai detik ini it’s getting so much better. Kemarin sempat telat karena kecapean kayanya karena I had 2 big wedding receptions, nikahan sepupu dan nikahan teman dekatku. Makanya pas bulan Desember aku mulai rutin olahraga and look where we are now.. siklus nya lancar lagi. There you go, girl!

Damn. As I’m writing this, a little flashback just came across my mind. I remember being carried is my unhealed wound as a kid… Dulu pas SD pernah jatuh pas olahraga dan gak ada yang kuat untuk gendong. I recalled someone said aku kegendutan. So, I got up on my own dan jalan sendiri buat duduk di pinggir lapangan. Jadi, sekarang kenapa pengen banget jadi lebih kecil biar kalau ya amit-amit jangan sampai ada apa-apa tapi kalau ada apa-apa dan butuh digendong jadinya yang gendong kuat soalnya aku gak berat-berat banget. Ya ampun. Even with the exception scenario aku masih mikirin kenyamanan orang lain 🙂

Kalau ditanya, mau gak workout bareng? Mau lah. Mau banget. He asked me twice. First, in September. Then, in November last year. Bet it would be fun to film my progress with him as my PT. But, now it’s impossible to do. If someday I make a decision to hit the gym, I know I’ll do it all alone..

Sometimes, there’s this urge to always be closer to him. Like I need to see him every day. Every second deh kalau bisa. Because I know by looking at his face or listening to his voice aja udah bisa bikin aku tenang. I don’t know why. I guess that’s just the effect he has on me. You know what? My inner child was happily screaming when I saw him the last time, unannounced, surprisingly, in front of my door. But, I got too tired of the HIIT so I was there saying “Kok kesini?” WKWKWK BILANG AJA SENENG LU AH FATIME PAKE BELAGAK GAK SENENG 😒

Dah ya. Yuk bisa jadiin peachy bum nya. Semangat, bestie!

It takes two to Tango. I heard about this a lot. Sometimes, the truth it carries scares me.

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I knowww I should’ve updated about my birthday but I didn’t hahaha sorry. So, a recap for what happened from my birthday until this day:

* I had the best birthday ever!! Got a birthday cake with “Happy birthday, Princess” on it. It was sooo beautiful and it came on top of my favorite cake. Can you guess? Hehehe. Prior to my birthday, we had an early birthday dinner. It was on the place I wrote in previous posts. Sampai detik ini masih agak kaget he got to plan everything for my birthday. Mungkin karena, I never got my birthday celebrated. Lebih tepatnya, setiap ulang tahun gak pernah ngerasain dikasih surprise sama pasangan. Makanya it felt really special. Oh pernah deh sekali with my ex. Tapi itu juga dia sebenernya lupa kalau aku ulang tahun di hari itu dan yang ingat adalah temannya. Trus temannya dia yang sekarang jadi teman dekatku itu beli kue. Temanku yang minta dia buat video call aku sambil kasih liat kuenya trus nyanyi happy birthday. Lah? Wkwk lucu banget sih kalau diingat lagi. Jauh kalau dibandingkan sama yang sekarang. So, best birthday, best birthday gift as well: him.

* We played that apa sih namanya pokoknya kartu yang isinya pertanyaan-pertanyaan intimate buat couple. In the middle of the game, he asked “Have you ever been in a relationship with healthy communication like this one we have?” in which I answered “I didn’t even get a chance to explain or express my feelings in my last relationship. Being gaslighted a lot, yes.”
There are a lot of intimate questions and I’m surprised how his answers matched my expectations and values. Even with sensitive questions. We have quite a lot in common.

* He made a surprise appearance at my cousin’s wedding. This one was shockinggggg hahaha soalnya ya gimana dong kan isinya keluarga besar. Ngeri banget ditanya ini itu dan bener dong Bu De, kakak sepupu pada ngasih label “Calonnya Tia” sampai one of my cousins bilang (dengan nada bercanda tentunya) “Wah ini kalau gak jadi awas ya.” TAKUT BANGET JUJUR 😫
I think that was also the very first time he saw me wearing full make up. Like FULL make up karena waktu itu aku didandanin sama MUA padahal tadinya mau dandan sendiri but my cousin insisted and she wanted me didandanin aja. Me without make up vs me with make up is veryyyy different I could tell you guys. He didn’t stop staring at me sambil senyum-senyum. I did full make up again later on the next ocassion we had. He also stared at me for a long time. When I struggled to remove my make up because the eyelash glue was really stubborn to remove, I told him “Tuh kan masih nempel nih lemnya.” You know what he responded with? “Mana coba liat? Cantik.” Weird. Yes, he’s weird that way. On the same day, he also said “Emang ya. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” — Yes, he’s trying to compliment me. Gemas. Tapi karena gak pernah, malah aneh kalau dia bilang aku cantik. Lagian ya I know I’m not pretty so it’s ok if I never heard him telling me anyway. But, he’s my weird man and I like him for that.

* He took care of me when I was sick. I never thought someone would do that to me except my parents. He ordered some porridge which I couldn’t finish because my throat was sore so badly. He bought vitamins and medicine. I can’t imagine if we’re living together and I feel a bit unwell. I know he’ll stick beside me and cuddle me to sleep.

* We had our Bakso date! Hahaha. It’s funny because I was just sending him a reel in the afternoon and later that night he asked me out for a dinner. After that we had coffee until midnight in which we had a lot to discuss.

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I don’t think we could go this far if it’s not because of clear communications and the constant efforts to make each other happy. I enjoy his company a lot more than anyone. It’s safe to say that he’s my favorite human.

I never knew it would be fun to do things together because I did a lot of things by myself quite a lot. Honestly, I don’t know that doing things together with your significant other would be that exciting. But, I don’t want anyone else to do everything with other than him. I only want him. Wow look at me finally want other people’s company.

It takes two to Tango. When it comes to relationship, it needs effort from both parties to make it work. If it’s only one, it won’t work. I can say that now my emotional wellbeing is depending on how he acts. I realize this is because I’m getting attached. While I normally could care less of anyone’s actions, I have to admit that a slightest change in his act or behavior will affect my mood.

I’m difficult yet he can handle me. Well, that reminds me. I haven’t gotten him anything for his achievement he told me. I know what I’m gonna get him.