We talked about you. I went out with my bestie for dinner just a few hours ago and we talked about you. It came as a surprise because she never asked about some guys I dated because she knew that I left them for good. But, she asked me about you.
“I don’t know.”, I said. I told her the truth. I don’t know how you are. “We haven’t talked since that day and it’s been a month. I’m respecting his decision so I’m not gonna talk to him again”, I added.
“How are you holding up?”, she threw a question that felt like a breeze of fresh air. The question that I wish I knew the right answer. “I’ve been better.”, I answered.
Last night, I found myself immersed in another vivid dream of you, and it was the most intense one yet. In this dream, we shared a moment so intimate that it felt real, until the painful revelation unfolded.
You uttered words that cut deep – you couldn’t choose me over the shadow of your past. It was heartbreaking to hear that I might have only been a fleeting presence in your life, a product of boredom rather than genuine investment. As the scene played out in my dream, the rawness of your words felt incredibly real. When I woke up, a heavy weight seemed to pin me down, as if I couldn’t move. The desire to cry lingered, yet no tears were shed. The dream may be a creation of my mind, but its impact resonates. It dawned on me that yesterday marked exactly one month since your departure.
I confided in my bestie about these persistent dreams, despite my efforts to consciously focus on living my best life without dwelling on him. She shared a similar experience from ages ago when she dreamt about someone. Her psychologist cousin explained that these dreams could be rooted in subconscious thoughts.
The revelation struck me. Even though I’m putting on a strong front and intentionally not thinking about him during the day, my subconscious seems to cling to the habit of calling his name. I realized that these dreams were like an alternate reality where he lived, even though I knew it was impossible for him to return. So, I made a conscious choice to let him be the one that got away, residing in my thoughts rather than in my reality. It’s a way of acknowledging the past without letting it disrupt the present.
Another thing I told my bestie was that my standards have skyrocketed after experiencing a taste of what felt like perfection with him. It’s as if he set a bar so high that finding someone who measures up seems like a mission impossible. The comparison to that idealized connection makes it challenging to settle for anything less.
Yet, paradoxically, I also confessed a somewhat cynical perspective on marriage. I admitted that if I were to pursue marriage, I might consider choosing someone almost randomly, without the expectation of deep love. The reason being, I’ve come to believe that true significance lies in finding someone who has the power to resurrect my once-dead heart, akin to a phoenix rising from its ashes.
The notion of a love so transformative, capable of breathing life back into a heart that once felt lifeless, becomes the ultimate criterion. It’s not just about settling for a conventional relationship but seeking a connection that holds profound meaning and has the potential to revitalize the essence of who I am.
Reflecting on my past relationships, I’ve never been in one where almost everyone, including my big, extensive family, was incredibly supportive. It was different with him. They met him once, and the positive impression he left was undeniable. Perhaps that’s what makes accepting the reality of us not being what he wanted so painfully challenging.
The memories of his warmth, the smiles, and the laughter linger in my mind, creating an ache that intensifies with the awareness that our connection didn’t unfold as I had hoped. There’s an inexplicable longing to rewind time, to hug him again, and relive those moments when everything felt perfect.
Yet, deep down, I recognize that I’m still in the first stage of Kübler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief: Denial. I haven’t met the other guys yet but I knew their reputations. I guess it’s about time for me to meet Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.